"maybe one day she'll be her own..."

i just got off the phone with lucas. called to apologize. sober now. wants to be with me. we read our poetry to each other. i'm supposed to see him tonight. i think he actually convinced me that he's changed. stupid me. what pisses me off most is that i know i am in love with him, i know that i couldn't be with anyone but him, and that on some level he feels the same way. i'm just having trouble debating this one. on one hand, i have to see him. i'll wilt into nothing if i don't. on the other hand, there's no way i can see him. i can't take the pain he causes me any more. i don't know why i'm even saying that. i know i'm going to... argh.i found out today that my teacher is a big ugly snatch-ho. oh wait, i already knew that. seriously, though--i went to the counselor's office today to discuss my "attitude" (notice the quotation marks), and i decided that maybe i should actually be pleasant for once. so, we were making stockings for underpriveledged children, and i was totally trying to help. however, the sewing machine i chose (by scott, of course) was slightly broken. so, i volunteered to take the fabric home and make some on my own. i find out after class that she had been talking to my other teacher about how "bitter" i was, and how i was bringing down the morale of the class. she also referred to my attempt at niceties as "real funny." apparantly she's amused by sincerity. she thought i was being fake. no, mrs. k, that's your job. bitch. i hope your adopted daughter gets hit by a bus and i hope you fall into a very deep well. or accidentally fall on a knife. ho.so, yeah. i'm supposed to be hanging out with rachel and sterling right now, but they ditched me. wow, big giant surprise. i can't imagine that my friends would do that to me. ha. people suck.with that, i leave whoever might actually read this pathetic excuse for a journal.