looking back at me...

god my self esteem is so fucking low right now. i spent the afternoon looking at pics of chicks in the seattle area. i thought i might find someone interesting with whom to converse (or make out with, who knows?), but it just ended up making me feel so fucking ugly and lame. i guess i don't really feel wanted at all right now. and, like with everyone who has low self-esteem, nothing anybody can say will change the way i feel. i just need something in my life to happen to prove to me that i am not a ugly little spoiled white girl living in the suburbs... god i hate feeling sorry for myself. and i hate straightedgers too. that didn't really have anything to do with anything, but that's been bothering me lately. stupid straightedgers. no drinking, smoking, drugs, or sex, but dammit we can kill people! cool... i know i'll get a comment about that. then again, if you are straightedge, why the hell would you be reading this?well, i have to go smoke now. maybe once i get some affection i won't need so many addictions...

"and i haven't seen barbados..."

somebody sent me this forward once (i loathe forwards), and it said something actually rather interesting:"simple minds talk about people, average minds talk about events, great minds talk about ideas."when are people around here going to evolve? when am i going to evolve? i'm so sick of talking about what this person did or what he said she said...why hasn't anyone grown up yet? i've been hearing all these things that people say about me and it just makes me want to scream. i read this book once called War and Human Nature about whether or not it is inherent to mankind to be violent. i'm beginning to wonder whether or not it is also inherent to be vindictive, mean, altogether cruel. at first i thought, what did i do to these people to make them talk so much about someone they don't even know? then i thoght, why do i even care what these ignorant little juveniles think about me? fuck people.kyle gave me some really mean christmas presents yesterday. i tried to act amused, but i was really fucking hurt. he tells me about the perception that so many people have of me, knows it bothers me, then proceeds to perpetuate it with things like this. i'm beginning to question my friendships again...my mum told me yesterday that she saw an article in the paper about Mumia Abu-Jamal getting a retrial. if anyone has any info about this, please send me a url or something...k, that's all. ciao.

"'cause we're celebratin' no more drama in our lives"

today is the last day i'm going christmas shopping. thank god. it's funny, really...i'm not really close with that many people...when i'm down almost nobody's there for me, but yet come this time of year i spend so much fucking money on my "loved ones." fuck.MALLORY PILCHER IS A BACKSTABBING BITCH.i guess i don't really mean that... i just feel really hurt that mal is talking shit about me behind my back. i haven't seen her in months, every time i try to make plans with her she blows me off, and now i find out that she's been saying all this crap... fuck that makes me feel horrible; never once did i talk shit about her. i thought she was a down girl... then again i've never been too good with reading people. well, mallory, i love you-you're one of the coolest chicks i've met so far, but i really think you should grow the fuck up and stop talking shit about people you don't even know anymore. if you have something to say, i'd appreciate it if you said it to my face.wow, that was dramatic... but i do have one question-if you hate me so much why are you reading this in the first place? probably clownin' on me, eh?argh.

my drug dealer hits on me

i've neglected to mention one thing that's been creeping me out for quite some time now. i'm sure you think this is funny, kyle... but ACK! dirty dave keeps hitting on me. oh, the winking needs to stop. it's not like he's trying to rape me, it's just really...icky. almost enough reason to go straightedge. almost. mmmmmm...i love fuzzy socks'k i'm done now.

joints and kisses...why didn't he notice?

argh. i hate coming down in the middle of the day. i just want to go back to sleep. unfortunately, i have to go christmas shopping with my mum. but i get to drive my car (yay!), so it won't be that bad.i went to go see lucas last night. it feels so good to be with him. just to hear his voice every day, to HAVE him...i can't explain it. it's just so odd. i've waited for him for 3 years now and it's fucking finally happening. still, i can't help but think about steve all the time...how could i not? he was the sweetest, hottest, most dreamy and squeezeable druggie-punk-musician with a pink mohawk i'd ever laid eyes on. ah, i'd give anything to see him even one more time...aahhh, sentimental shit! how'd that escape? argh. now i need to go smoke a cigarette and try to absolve myself of any memories of ex-boyfriends. well, faithful readers, i must leave you. but don't worry, i will return. be sure to keep tuned until the next episode of my "my so-called life" drama!habye.

ranting and raving

god, i'm so fucking bored.. i'm just sitting here at my computer listening to techno and wondering whether or not i should smoke some pot. probably not...i have to go shopping with my mom later today. shit. i think i did a bunch of stuff last night, but after going to dave's, my memory's a little fuzzy. i'm so sick of this suburban drug culture bullshit. lucas was right: there's nothing to do in puyallup but drugs. or, as julia described it, puyallup is two houses and a cow. i can't wait to get out of this town. so, christmas vacation has begun. go christ. the impact of christianity on our society is so fucking pathetic. a religion that was originally pretty groovy, decidedly pagan, and extremely compassionate, has warped into a celebration of mass consumerism and blind faith. ack. first of all, christmas was originally a pagan celebration which christians warped to be the birth of christ, a time when all god-loving americans can buy each other meaningful things they don't need. now, i'm not ragging on all parts of christmas. it's actually quite nice that people, around this time of year, realize how greedy they are and give to homeless people. but it's so misguided... our country is so wrong! i hate the way christians preach... their dogmatic voices make up the choir of ignorance. and it's always the same exact things. challenge them, and you will get "god works in mysterious ways." point out anything unpleasant, and you will get "jesus loves you." when did healthy spirituality turn into this? and as if what it does to our minds isn't enough, look at what judeo-christian religions have done to our earth. "god's" inherent need for more humans (made in HIS image, of course...) is overpopulating our world. that, mixed with the "american dream," aka the incessant need for more capita, no matter what the circumstance, has turned so many once-beautiful lands into oceans of asphalt, villages of factories, skies of smog, and on and on and on. sometimes i just sit back and wonder, how did this happen? how did the garden of eden turn into this concrete jungle? ack.you know what else pisses me off (since i'm at it)? american youth. good god--i understand that i am from a small quasi-hick town in western washington, that the people i come in contact with do not neccessarily represent the entire nation, but... shit how can people be so fucking blissfully ignorant? whenever i try to bring up things that i think are meaningful, like say: world hunger, nuclear war, organized religion, etc. i run into this brick wall. all people around here seem to care about is who's fucking who, what to wear tomorrow, and how to get weed. now i'm not degrading these things; i think about them at times, too, but what about REAL stuff? is it that the situation of our world has become so sad that the only way to lead a happy life is to ignore it? why do people allow themselves to be pacified by government propaganda instead of searching for the truth? how do teenagers, my peers, become so calloused, so fucking apathetic? argh. i can't think about this anymore. i just might smoke that bowl after all. see, i'm doing it myself. i think maybe it's just hard for this generation to look around and see what their predecessors have left for them without getting angry, or just choosing to ignore it altogether. fuck. whoa. i din't realize i had that in me this morning. maybe it's the lack of intellectual conversations in my life. got to get it out somehow. and i didn't even get started on capitalism, corporate monopolies, brainwashing, or aol. well, i've got to go. i'm IMing someone. HAbye

look ma, no trust!

DisorderRatingParanoid:HighSchizoid:LowSchizotypal:LowAntisocial:ModerateBorderline:Very HighHistrionic:ModerateNarcissistic:HighAvoidant:HighDependent:HighObsessive-Compulsive:Low-- Click Here To Take The Test --

to ho or not to ho?

Bill and I used to make up pet names for our private parts. I called mine 'Precious' and he called his 'Willard.' Which Clinton 'Ho Are You? hey, look! i took an online quiz! bwahahahahaha!

please excu...

please excuse my last entry. i have been smoking an unhealthy amount of crack lately. so, friday nite i go to meet lucas at the kickstand. he wasn't there, surprise, surprise. so, i go shopping with rachel for a while, keep calling him, etc. etc.... well, i go home, and the next morning he calls my house (my mom answers) from jail. god, can i not have a normal relationship? anyway, there was an article about it in the sunday tribune. i laughed heartily.i'm at school now. i fucking hate this place with a passion. i get to sit in this fucking room for an hour doing absolutely nothing, then i get to do absolutely nothing for another 4 hours. fucking bullshit. oh well, at least i'm not dead. i pierced my lip this weekend. like with my nose, i fucked it up really bad. oh well, i'm going to take it out soon anyway. christina just came over and talked to me. she thinks it's funny that i'm writing in this stupid thing again. oh well, i never do what i say i'm going to...well, i have to go do things that aren't this.