i hate emo and i hate straightedgers!

goddamn i'm sick of all this whiny pop-punk crap, and i'm really fucking sick of all these uptight self-righteous straightedgers. life is short and indulgence is fun... i've heard so much shit that people have said about me and i have something to say. first off, you're all idiots. nobody around here (i'm not excluding myself) has an original thought and that's why they spend so much fucking time talking shit about people instead of actually discussing meaningful topics. second, it's really fucking stupid to be calling girls sluts (especially those of you who are...) my guess is that most of you fucking stupid puyallup people consider yourselves "different" or "outcasts" or something to that extent. if so, you should really stop perpetuating the misguided morals of our christian society by labeling females as sluts, whether or not they're sexually active. teenage girls are by nature the most sexual creatures on the planet (don't even try to deny that-look at britney) and they should have full freedom in their actions. instead, i see myself, my friends, and countless others of my gender ostracized by their peers for exhibiting that which comes more naturally than anything else. my guess is that none of you actually uphold these fucked-up beliefs which have led cultures to the extremity of the Taliban regimes (taunting leads to violence more quickly than most would think), that most of you don't really think through what you say... and mostly that you're just pissed off because you can't get laid. ha... seriously, though-putting my personal feelings aside, i think most intelligent people can agree that gender equality is a good thing, and i think that if most people thought about it they would realize that calling a girl a "slut" or a "whore" is doing nothing but creating a double standard and trying to silence their voices, to restrict their freedoms. not to mention that none of you fuckers knows a thing about me (sarah) and i don't want you to (craig)and that maybe before you judge someone you should find out if what you're hearing is even the truth...god i can't wait until i get out of this town and away from these stupid fucking people and i don't have to sit around defending myself all the time to these trendy, ignorant legions of teens. disposable? i think so.even if what you said is true (which it isn't), at least i have two eyes. HAHAHAHAHAHAbye

paw prints and track marks

singular ecstasylasted moments seemed like dayswith youvicious and sadisticspiralingout of our worlddesolate and yearningfor rainsilver dragonsexhale firesimilarities overwhelmno more sunshineno more spikesdiggingdigging into memy head wasdetached from everythingsmiling stupidlove-strucki don't know how i cameweepingto youglitter fallingonto your facesnarls and growlsi'd laugh and kiss your eyelidsleaving lip gloss stainspunk rockmohawk i've beenincompletenow in his armsi claim sanctuarybut know it can never beas holyas with you

more teen angst...

i thought tears were only for emo kids...i let him fuck me over. i must be so masochistic... i let him hurt me and when he calls i come running. why? he's not the one, he's not even worth my time... dammit i hate myself.i keep dreaming about scott. it's gone on every night for almost a month now. it's funny, i don't think about this stupid little crush thing i have during the day, but i must be repressing because at night my subconscious has a field day with it. i don't know...i went to the supermall w/ sterling tonight. then luke-ass called, and i suggested we go to tacoma. of course, he got cut off and didn't answer when i called him back, so i made sterl waste gas for nothing. sorry, sterl.i bought my grandma an outrageously expensive pair of black hills gold earrings. they're hummingbirds. her favorite. i spent all my money on them, and i don't really know why. i didn't even think twice. stupid me. well, i don't really have anything pertinent to say (as usual), so i'm going to go in my room and cry about luke. cry myself to sleep, that is. maybe then i can have another dream... goddamnhellfuckshitbye

looking back at me...

god my self esteem is so fucking low right now. i spent the afternoon looking at pics of chicks in the seattle area. i thought i might find someone interesting with whom to converse (or make out with, who knows?), but it just ended up making me feel so fucking ugly and lame. i guess i don't really feel wanted at all right now. and, like with everyone who has low self-esteem, nothing anybody can say will change the way i feel. i just need something in my life to happen to prove to me that i am not a ugly little spoiled white girl living in the suburbs... god i hate feeling sorry for myself. and i hate straightedgers too. that didn't really have anything to do with anything, but that's been bothering me lately. stupid straightedgers. no drinking, smoking, drugs, or sex, but dammit we can kill people! cool... i know i'll get a comment about that. then again, if you are straightedge, why the hell would you be reading this?well, i have to go smoke now. maybe once i get some affection i won't need so many addictions...

"and i haven't seen barbados..."

somebody sent me this forward once (i loathe forwards), and it said something actually rather interesting:"simple minds talk about people, average minds talk about events, great minds talk about ideas."when are people around here going to evolve? when am i going to evolve? i'm so sick of talking about what this person did or what he said she said...why hasn't anyone grown up yet? i've been hearing all these things that people say about me and it just makes me want to scream. i read this book once called War and Human Nature about whether or not it is inherent to mankind to be violent. i'm beginning to wonder whether or not it is also inherent to be vindictive, mean, altogether cruel. at first i thought, what did i do to these people to make them talk so much about someone they don't even know? then i thoght, why do i even care what these ignorant little juveniles think about me? fuck people.kyle gave me some really mean christmas presents yesterday. i tried to act amused, but i was really fucking hurt. he tells me about the perception that so many people have of me, knows it bothers me, then proceeds to perpetuate it with things like this. i'm beginning to question my friendships again...my mum told me yesterday that she saw an article in the paper about Mumia Abu-Jamal getting a retrial. if anyone has any info about this, please send me a url or something...k, that's all. ciao.

"'cause we're celebratin' no more drama in our lives"

today is the last day i'm going christmas shopping. thank god. it's funny, really...i'm not really close with that many people...when i'm down almost nobody's there for me, but yet come this time of year i spend so much fucking money on my "loved ones." fuck.MALLORY PILCHER IS A BACKSTABBING BITCH.i guess i don't really mean that... i just feel really hurt that mal is talking shit about me behind my back. i haven't seen her in months, every time i try to make plans with her she blows me off, and now i find out that she's been saying all this crap... fuck that makes me feel horrible; never once did i talk shit about her. i thought she was a down girl... then again i've never been too good with reading people. well, mallory, i love you-you're one of the coolest chicks i've met so far, but i really think you should grow the fuck up and stop talking shit about people you don't even know anymore. if you have something to say, i'd appreciate it if you said it to my face.wow, that was dramatic... but i do have one question-if you hate me so much why are you reading this in the first place? probably clownin' on me, eh?argh.

my drug dealer hits on me

i've neglected to mention one thing that's been creeping me out for quite some time now. i'm sure you think this is funny, kyle... but ACK! dirty dave keeps hitting on me. oh, the winking needs to stop. it's not like he's trying to rape me, it's just really...icky. almost enough reason to go straightedge. almost. mmmmmm...i love fuzzy socks'k i'm done now.

joints and kisses...why didn't he notice?

argh. i hate coming down in the middle of the day. i just want to go back to sleep. unfortunately, i have to go christmas shopping with my mum. but i get to drive my car (yay!), so it won't be that bad.i went to go see lucas last night. it feels so good to be with him. just to hear his voice every day, to HAVE him...i can't explain it. it's just so odd. i've waited for him for 3 years now and it's fucking finally happening. still, i can't help but think about steve all the time...how could i not? he was the sweetest, hottest, most dreamy and squeezeable druggie-punk-musician with a pink mohawk i'd ever laid eyes on. ah, i'd give anything to see him even one more time...aahhh, sentimental shit! how'd that escape? argh. now i need to go smoke a cigarette and try to absolve myself of any memories of ex-boyfriends. well, faithful readers, i must leave you. but don't worry, i will return. be sure to keep tuned until the next episode of my "my so-called life" drama!habye.

ranting and raving

god, i'm so fucking bored.. i'm just sitting here at my computer listening to techno and wondering whether or not i should smoke some pot. probably not...i have to go shopping with my mom later today. shit. i think i did a bunch of stuff last night, but after going to dave's, my memory's a little fuzzy. i'm so sick of this suburban drug culture bullshit. lucas was right: there's nothing to do in puyallup but drugs. or, as julia described it, puyallup is two houses and a cow. i can't wait to get out of this town. so, christmas vacation has begun. go christ. the impact of christianity on our society is so fucking pathetic. a religion that was originally pretty groovy, decidedly pagan, and extremely compassionate, has warped into a celebration of mass consumerism and blind faith. ack. first of all, christmas was originally a pagan celebration which christians warped to be the birth of christ, a time when all god-loving americans can buy each other meaningful things they don't need. now, i'm not ragging on all parts of christmas. it's actually quite nice that people, around this time of year, realize how greedy they are and give to homeless people. but it's so misguided... our country is so wrong! i hate the way christians preach... their dogmatic voices make up the choir of ignorance. and it's always the same exact things. challenge them, and you will get "god works in mysterious ways." point out anything unpleasant, and you will get "jesus loves you." when did healthy spirituality turn into this? and as if what it does to our minds isn't enough, look at what judeo-christian religions have done to our earth. "god's" inherent need for more humans (made in HIS image, of course...) is overpopulating our world. that, mixed with the "american dream," aka the incessant need for more capita, no matter what the circumstance, has turned so many once-beautiful lands into oceans of asphalt, villages of factories, skies of smog, and on and on and on. sometimes i just sit back and wonder, how did this happen? how did the garden of eden turn into this concrete jungle? ack.you know what else pisses me off (since i'm at it)? american youth. good god--i understand that i am from a small quasi-hick town in western washington, that the people i come in contact with do not neccessarily represent the entire nation, but... shit how can people be so fucking blissfully ignorant? whenever i try to bring up things that i think are meaningful, like say: world hunger, nuclear war, organized religion, etc. i run into this brick wall. all people around here seem to care about is who's fucking who, what to wear tomorrow, and how to get weed. now i'm not degrading these things; i think about them at times, too, but what about REAL stuff? is it that the situation of our world has become so sad that the only way to lead a happy life is to ignore it? why do people allow themselves to be pacified by government propaganda instead of searching for the truth? how do teenagers, my peers, become so calloused, so fucking apathetic? argh. i can't think about this anymore. i just might smoke that bowl after all. see, i'm doing it myself. i think maybe it's just hard for this generation to look around and see what their predecessors have left for them without getting angry, or just choosing to ignore it altogether. fuck. whoa. i din't realize i had that in me this morning. maybe it's the lack of intellectual conversations in my life. got to get it out somehow. and i didn't even get started on capitalism, corporate monopolies, brainwashing, or aol. well, i've got to go. i'm IMing someone. HAbye

look ma, no trust!

DisorderRatingParanoid:HighSchizoid:LowSchizotypal:LowAntisocial:ModerateBorderline:Very HighHistrionic:ModerateNarcissistic:HighAvoidant:HighDependent:HighObsessive-Compulsive:Low-- Click Here To Take The Test --

to ho or not to ho?

Bill and I used to make up pet names for our private parts. I called mine 'Precious' and he called his 'Willard.' Which Clinton 'Ho Are You? hey, look! i took an online quiz! bwahahahahaha!

please excu...

please excuse my last entry. i have been smoking an unhealthy amount of crack lately. so, friday nite i go to meet lucas at the kickstand. he wasn't there, surprise, surprise. so, i go shopping with rachel for a while, keep calling him, etc. etc.... well, i go home, and the next morning he calls my house (my mom answers) from jail. god, can i not have a normal relationship? anyway, there was an article about it in the sunday tribune. i laughed heartily.i'm at school now. i fucking hate this place with a passion. i get to sit in this fucking room for an hour doing absolutely nothing, then i get to do absolutely nothing for another 4 hours. fucking bullshit. oh well, at least i'm not dead. i pierced my lip this weekend. like with my nose, i fucked it up really bad. oh well, i'm going to take it out soon anyway. christina just came over and talked to me. she thinks it's funny that i'm writing in this stupid thing again. oh well, i never do what i say i'm going to...well, i have to go do things that aren't this.

collect calls from jail...

god i hate people. and i hate live journals. this is my last entry. i don't have a great life but i certainly have better things to do than whine about my melodramatic life on some lame website. do you?

dry, please....

i'm sitting here with rachel (ack) taking online quizzes, which, might i add, are the devil... and rachel looks bored so i'm going to let her say something.I like tacos.prophetic, hon... anyway, i'll make this short and sweet, as i have nothing to say to all of you out there who don't read this...bye

"maybe one day she'll be her own..."

i just got off the phone with lucas. called to apologize. sober now. wants to be with me. we read our poetry to each other. i'm supposed to see him tonight. i think he actually convinced me that he's changed. stupid me. what pisses me off most is that i know i am in love with him, i know that i couldn't be with anyone but him, and that on some level he feels the same way. i'm just having trouble debating this one. on one hand, i have to see him. i'll wilt into nothing if i don't. on the other hand, there's no way i can see him. i can't take the pain he causes me any more. i don't know why i'm even saying that. i know i'm going to... argh.i found out today that my teacher is a big ugly snatch-ho. oh wait, i already knew that. seriously, though--i went to the counselor's office today to discuss my "attitude" (notice the quotation marks), and i decided that maybe i should actually be pleasant for once. so, we were making stockings for underpriveledged children, and i was totally trying to help. however, the sewing machine i chose (by scott, of course) was slightly broken. so, i volunteered to take the fabric home and make some on my own. i find out after class that she had been talking to my other teacher about how "bitter" i was, and how i was bringing down the morale of the class. she also referred to my attempt at niceties as "real funny." apparantly she's amused by sincerity. she thought i was being fake. no, mrs. k, that's your job. bitch. i hope your adopted daughter gets hit by a bus and i hope you fall into a very deep well. or accidentally fall on a knife. ho.so, yeah. i'm supposed to be hanging out with rachel and sterling right now, but they ditched me. wow, big giant surprise. i can't imagine that my friends would do that to me. ha. people suck.with that, i leave whoever might actually read this pathetic excuse for a journal.

don't think....

god, today was so fucking boring. i sat around at home on my ass and did homework. ack. at least i won't have to go to school on thursday.i went to jason's with rosemary last nite. we had some engaging dialogue, and then she told me that she's seen lucas twice in the last week. god, he is the biggest asshole to ever walk the earth. i, unfortunately, have a rather close connection to him. fucking-a. are his fingers broken? can he not dial a phone? do i want him to dial my number? i'll break his fingers. shit.i saw "hedwig and the angry inch" last nite. it was about this east german transexual with a rock band, and it really sucked. every time i write something on this thing, i get this wierd feeling that people are actually reading it. odd, eh? it's beginning to make me rather self-concious...

from the cheap seats...

i/fight temptation/silent/atheist/prayer/on foggy/tranquil/nites like this/want/to scream/and tear/at you/with teeth sharp/from words/want to say/incarceration/inside/a suffering/soul/get a little high/scratch/beneath the skin/blood/under black/fingernails/you're an itch/i can't get rid of/faked it every time/baby boy/so weak/of passion/couldn't make/me come/inside these sheets/shivering/waiting/infinitely/tremors/deceptions/enough to make/a girl cry//saliva/stained with nicotine/i was floating/on clouds/and swimming in semen//black eyeliner/sumdged/down to my cheeks/ took pills/and hits/salvation/i claim sactuary/bliss/in dreams/as far from real/as i can be/intrigue/believe me/strangulatioin/satisfies/gasping for breath/between choked sighs/boredom/cynicism/pessimism/don't worry/i won't/fall apart

girls behind veils

I'm so sick of sitting around my house. I need to get my liscense. Maybe then I can go make some real friends... I seriously feel that (with very few exceptions) the only reason I hang out with the people I do is because they're there. Puyallup is such bullshit, and there's hardly anyone here who's even remotely interesting. Heaven forbid the day when I can actually discuss Ginsberg with someone. Or do more than smoke pot and watch TV... I think I'm going to sneak out tonight. Lately I can only get to sleep if I've walked a few miles and smoked half a pack. Something about the night is so peaceful to me. If I had a choice, I'd sleep during the day and party all night. I saw the best movie ever Friday..."Mulholland Drive" Oh dear sweet Jesus. It's David Lynch, so it's really fucked up and cool. I fully recommend it. For those in my area, it's playing at the Tacoma Grand Cinema (right next to the Kickstand, Kyle-hint hint wink wink). Speaking of which, I'd kind of like to go duck hunting soon. Unfortunately, the acceptable available males are at an all-time low. Oh well, I'm a masochist; I like the pain of loneliness. Well, it's time for me to find something to do. With someone better than Kyle.Bye.

It's finally happened...

Maybe it was peer pressure. Maybe it was sheer boredom. For whatever reason, I've given in and gotten myself a live journal. Which gives me the opportunity to talk shit about all the people that have talked shit about me. BwahahahahahaIt's Sunday nite and it feels like plain oatmeal. I haven't had a fix all day and I'm starting to shake. I'm not an addict...I want to say for the record that I will not be taking any juvenile surveys and posting the results...